THE DAILY DISTURBANCE

Hello and welcome to my blog site. I'm not sure if I will allow anyone close to me to read this. Or if I'll even post here regularly. However since I don't trust MySpace or Live Journal I've chosen to create my little "online diary" here. The title of this site comes from something I've struggled with most my life: Chronic Perfectionism. One saying that sums up my modus operandi is "I'd rather be right than be happy."

Since I was a boy I was told something was wrong with me. First it was my personal apperance. I wore glasses, had funny hair, was too skinny and was uncoordinated. Then I was criticized for isolating too much and not having any friends. Then I was criticized for drinking and labeled "chemicall dependent."

Looking back, I spent the first 18 years of my life trying to deflect society's criticisms and find a place to hide where people wouldn't bother me. It worked. At age 19 I found myself with absolutely no friends, failing out of college and drinking too much. My drinking soon got me into trouble so I spent the next several years trying to prove I wasn't an alcoholic. At age 22 I moved out on my own. With only a few brief exceptions, I've spent the last 13 years living alone.

In public I attempt to be absolutely perfect. And for most of my adult life I've analyzed life to death trying to understand who I am and my place in the world. My life has basically been one big reaction after another to being told I have a problem. Trying to understand my "problem" and what the fuck to do about it. In the meantime, I avoid a lot of things by isolating.

Since 2003 I haven't had a job. I have no close friends, am broke, haven't had a date in 5 years and isolate most of the time. I spend most my free time downloading and viewing pornography off the internet.

I don't have creditors breathing down my neck. No legal problems. I don't owe child support or have a wife breathing down my neck. I don't have a mortgage or car payment. My credit is good. I don't break any laws. Pay my bills on time. I got straight A's at school last semester. On paper I'm perfect. However, I'm also socially dead. I don't exist. I am a walking zombie. Still here physically.

This blog is a summary of the damage done to my sanity and mental/physical state by my last 3 years of unemployment and isolation. The ever boring and frightening present (being alone and broke with nothing to do). And my anxiety and depression about the future.